The Long Road To Me

Some success!

2010-09-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

Well, Eldest Son has now been on his new high protein/ low carb diet for twelve days. What a difference! I still have issues with my own patience, and mornings are still rough, but seriously, he’s much more settled.

And just to give you an idea how disruptive a tiny little bit can be, Monday we let him have school lunch. It was a hot dog, on a white bread bun. He was absolutely out of control by the evening. We didn’t even think about it until halfway through the evening when I thought to ask him what was in his lunch.

He’s still being a butt with attitude, but the tantrums are fewer and further between. It’s incredible! Last weekend, I took him up to my parents house, and I think even they noticed the difference. I’m sure at least my mom did. She was saying at some point they let him have a mini cinnamon roll, and about a half an hour later they could see him start to ramp up.

Last year the bus driver absolutely hated him. She couldn’t get him to sit still or follow instructions. He was loud and disruptive. And while I think she handled him poorly, I at least knew why. I was surprised to find that yesterday she gave my husband the thumbs up because Eldest Son is much easier to handle.

I’m really not surprised that a diet could make a difference. What surprises me is just how much of a difference it makes! Especially when you consider we fed him pretty healthy in the first place. He was not getting dessert every night, or even most nights. He was limited on how much juice he could have. We eat whole grain bread around here. Lots of veggies and fresh fruit.

So when I made small adjustments to his diet, and found such dramatic results, I can honestly say I was impressed. More to come, I’m sure…

Good Stuff, And Then More Roadblocks

2010-09-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

So I don’t even know where to begin today. I’ll start with the good. First of all, the diet we’ve been trying with Eldest Son is surprisingly successful so far. We’ve only tried a few things here and there, so it’s still something that could be left up to coincidence, but so far the days we’ve given him high protein, low breads and sugars have been good days. The days where he got his usual waffles or pancakes, bad, bad, bad.

Today, our old friend and hairstylist asked me what medications I have him on. She was shocked when I explained he’s not on meds, that I had just adjusted what he eats for breakfast. He’s never sat that still, a) in the waiting area and b) while getting a haircut before… and she’s known him his whole life! He sat quietly in the car; he got no complaints at daycare. He had a great day. Then I let him have a Tootsie pop, sat back, and watched. Sure enough, about a half an hour later, it started. Eventually it all escalated to the hyper, impulsive child with attitude issues. I find all this encouraging. I have a starting place for him.

Met his teacher, and she seems wonderful! I explained the only trouble I really had with the old teacher was lack of communication with the parents, and she seemed to understand completely. She’s got him already arranged front and center in the classroom, and is ready to experiment with what works for him to get him really learning in her class. I am stoked! I can’t wait to see how this plays out.

Okay, now for the bad. In this town, there is a huge lack of information on ADD/ADHD. There are no real resources for help. I had spoken with my doctor, and he referred me to his LPN. She claims to be the major resource here in town for help. So I gave her a shot. I realized I was in for trouble when she walked in the room. I recognized her immediately as the same gal who would see Eldest Son when his doc wouldn’t, and kept telling me he was just fine. For those who don’t know, the short story was, he was anything but just fine, and if my husband hadn’t gotten good and pushy and got us in with an alternate doctor who ultimately found a 4cm cyst on a 6cm kidney, Eldest Son would not be here with us today. But she insisted he was just fine.

So today she walks in and says, “So you’re here for help with ADD. Why?” And I explain. “Because I’ve been diagnosed at least three times in the past” and she cuts me off with a gazillion questions about the qualifications of those that diagnosed me and such. Okay… She asks what my symptoms are. “Of course, the classic hyperactivity, distractibility, impulsivity” and she cuts me off again. “What about irritability and sleep problems?” “Yes, I get irritable, especially around my period. And yes, I’ve always had sleep problems. I’ve been tested and diagnosed with restless leg syndrome. And I know insomnia is also common in ADD.” Cuts me off again. “Any history of Manic Depression or Bi-Polar in your family?” “No.” (The flags start raising.)

She steps out of the room for a few minutes and comes back with two pieces of paper and a pen. She instructs me to fill out these quizzes and she’ll be back shortly. One is clearly a questionnaire for ADD. I fill it out by instructions, and it shows the immense possibility of ADD. Go figure. The other one is labeled a screening tool for Mood Disorders. Okay… So I fill out her page. And yes, there are some yeses. Everything on there I answered yes to, however, is easily explained with ADD.

When she came back in the room, she didn’t even look at the ADD page, she only read over the page on Mood Disorders. Then she proudly informed me that I was manic depressive/ Bi-polar, and to not worry because she’s the area’s expert on this and she’s got just the medication for me. **Screeeeeech!!!!**

WHAT?!?!?!?!

That’s right, she’s insisting I’m bi-polar, and that Eldest Son probably is too, and that there is this great miracle drug that’s gonna make us all better.

Now, thankfully, I have been educating myself. I had actually wondered before if this was possible for me. Researching ADD brought me my answer. ADD does often show symptoms similar to Bi-Polarism, but there are very distinct. If I hadn’t found this just two days prior, I might have fallen for her BS. When comparing the pseudo bi-polar symptoms to true Manic Depression, I clearly fall under the pseudo side. Not even a doubt in my mind. I tried to explain to her what I had found out, and she was still only interested in giving me drugs.

NOW, she doesn’t know, or won’t admit it, but the medication she’s prescribed to me does get used to treat a form of ADD. I knew this when I saw her write the thing. So, I’m going to see what it does. But not because any other reason but so that I know for myself if this will work for me. I won’t medicate Eldest Son, he’s way too young and I just won’t risk my kid. But for myself, if it helps me figure out this mess so I can be more effective in helping him, so be it.

I also plan on putting together for her a big fat package of info on why her “diagnosis” skills do not in fact have something over at least three doctors, but that she still has much to learn. She even mentioned that I’d be surprised how many people come to her for help with ADD, and she “discovers” that they are “misdiagnosed” and actually Manic. I wonder how much this pharmaceutical company must be sliding her. Grrrrrrrrr….

On top of my frustration with ignorance, and of her treatment of me, I feel frustrated for the other parents and patients who must have crossed her path hoping for real help. She had nothing! Just another diagnosis that made no sense, and a prescription. How scary that she is considered the go to person in my town for such a difficult and impairing disorder. I do hope I get my med stuff together, I do think this town badly needs help for the ADD population. I seem to have maybe found my new passion.

Adventures In Gardening Part 1: Failure

2010-09-05T15:27:00.000-07:00

   Every year I try to grow a garden. My first try, I was living in a rented house and I made my now ex-husband tear out a huge plot in the yard, and did nothing with it. I also found a weeping pussywillow tree and planted it on the far edge of the property. It didn’t survive long. When I moved to my current home, I at least planned a garden every year. I live on the north side of a hill, so I have mostly shade. Not very conducive to gardening. But every year I would pick out the spot in the garden that had the most sun exposure and buy a gazillion seeds plus various fertilizers, pesticides, fungicides, and everything else they would try to sell me at the nearest, or furthest, garden department. Somehow, none of it would ever get put to use.

    After a couple years, I tried to actually plant the seeds. I would collect endless stacks of empty yogurt cups, buy bag after bag of soil, and plant the little buggers. Nearly every seed sprouted, and immediately died. (I quit holding funerals after like the first 1,000.) There were also the already started ones you buy at the store and bring home to transplant; blueberries, grapes, little trees and flowering bushes. All but one died in their buckets with no actual fruits or flowers. One was planted, but died within a week.

   I’m not sure, but I heard rumors that PETA was organizing a branch to save the plants, and I was their most wanted.

   Eventually, after speaking with the next door neighbor about her frustrations with growing tomatoes, I determined this as my own personal challenge. That year I bought one of those portable, roll away type, “greenhouse” thingies. I did great with it at first, but on an overly warm day, I accidentally left the door flap closed and all my sprouts got steamed to death.”

   I went to a greenhouse supplier to determine what I needed to do to jury rig this cheep arrangement in order to get maximum efficiency. They gave me some fancy reflective bubble wrap and told me I need to get the air circulating and some UV light. Off to Wal-Mart and the various home improvement stores I went. I looked for some good tomato plants and found a roma and some other basic red round tomato. I needed good sized pots, and these gianormous terracotta strawberry pots were on sale super cheap, so I went for them. Then I found these little desk fans and a fluorescent “Grow Light”. Just for kicks, I even threw in a pepper plant in a little pot that I wasn’t familiar with but looked cute.

   I set my greenhouse on the back deck, draped the bubble wrap along the back so I could get even UV exposure, plugged in a fan (turns out I only needed one), and zip tied the UV light to a rung on the frame. The tomato plants made their homes in the strawberry pots and the pepper plant… stayed in the little pot from the store. I was set.

   At some point I learned lesson #1, terracotta pots don’t hold water well. Every day I was out there dumping gallon after gallon into those pots, and the next day they’d be dry again. They were already planted though, so there was nothing else to do but press on. After they’d survived a week, I nearly held a party. I’d never been so successful! Barkeep, bring me my keg!

   Eventually the blossoms came in. There were only a few on the tomatoes, but nearly 3 dozen on the pepper plant. Holy crap! Call the newspaper! Becky made it to the blossom stage!

   I cried at the “birth” of the little green baby tomatoes. They were the cutest little things I’d ever seen. These little hard green berries snuggled up inside the spot that the pretty white blossom had once been.

   I watched daily for signs of red, and when it showed, I impatiently checked nearly every hour for the day these jewels would be red and ready to eat. Of the two plants, only one made it to ripe tomatoes. Of the one, I got a whole 3 fruits. The pepper plant went crazy with bright red chili shaped “hot” peppers, but because I didn’t know what kind they were, and what they would taste like, I never did wind up using them. In my eyes, this was a huge success.

   Sadly, for the several years after, I was back to black thumb status.

   This year, Eldest Son took an interest in science. He came home one day, very excited to show me the sunflower he’d been growing. In this little paper cup full of soil was a perfectly healthy plant, about three inches tall, a whitish stem, and two round green leaves. Not sure what I was doing, I helped him water it and watch it daily. At some point, this little critter surprised us, and outgrew its surroundings. Eldest Son and I selected a red ceramic pot we assumed would be large enough and transplanted our new addition. In no time at all, this flower was nearly as tall as my son, with leaves bigger than my foot! Still no actual flower on it though. Recently, the flower, about 7 inches across, bloomed bright yellow in a shiny red pot we now know is way too small for it. It’s beautiful, and he’s proud.

   Inspired near the beginning of this evolution, I determined to try my hand at gardening again.

This year, I tried a whole new approach. This year, I made it happen. This year, I’ve got a real garden providing real fruit and beauty. This year, we held only very few little plant funerals.

To be continued….

2010-09-04T11:25:00.001-07:00

   I was up until about two in the morning last night. I’m not positive why, but I decided to make the most of it anyhow. Earlier this week, I went to the library and brought home nearly a dozen books about ADD. For me, it is easier to bring home many books and skim through them then to try to sort them and my thoughts on them at the library.

So I dove in. I can’t remember the title of the one I went through last night, and I admit to being too lazy right now to bother going to the other side of the house to figure out, but it was very interesting. It’s a little too technical for me to read and understand it page by page. Kind of like a reference book, though, I can sort through what seems important. One thing I found very interesting was the pictures they show of some sort of brain scans on various real ADD people vs. normal. There really is a physical difference. If you don’t believe in ADD/ADHD, these pictures prove it. Holy cow.

   Anyhow, one thing I saw that caught my attention was the ways diet can help. I’ve heard that over and over, but everyone’s idea varies. I’ve heard of gluten free, but that’s not likely to fly in this house. I’ve heard of all kinds of other angles, but this Doctor recommends high protein, low carb. Almost Atkinsish, but not quite. Atkins didn’t go for fruit and veggies much, but this diet does, it’s simply reduction to removal of simple carbs. They also say that Breakfast is the most important meal to minimize the carbs in.

   This morning, I encouraged Robert to make sure there were eggs involved, and that the pancakes were small. The intent is to make sure there is a healthy protein in our breakfast, and to slowly knock out the simple carbs, and get these boys hooked on whole grains more. (My husband and eldest love whole grain bread, but hate it in pancakes and such, so this will be a bit of a battle.) I need to find a way to make a little note to self that I’ll actually do, to see if it makes any difference.

   It just never dawned on me to compare his behavior to what he’s had to eat. I know he has his good days and bad, and his activity level was something I thought to watch, but Eldest Son is a great eater, so it hadn’t occurred to me to his diet might make that big of a difference.

New Beginnings

2010-09-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

   And so my journey begins. Where do I start? I guess I can start with me, right? That’ll put me in chronological order. Okay, well, I was a bright, cheerful, happy, intelligent kid. Bouncy and bubbly. As I write, I think I should say, what I have to say is my own perspective, not that of my family or friends. They may or may not have seen things very differently from me. Okay, so as I was saying, I really don’t remember much trouble until I was about seven years old. For me, that’s the number I seem to have put to where my trouble had begun in my mind. That’s when I begin to remember the tantrums. I seem to remember that being when I started really getting argumentative, grew my attitude problem, and started to lose control of my temper. That’s when I remember really fighting with my dad, and probably starting to scare the crap out of my mom.

   As I got older, I felt like I was fighting the world. No one understood, I felt, and I needed ways to lash out. I fought, and fought and fought. It felt like the world was against me, and I couldn’t do anything about it. I didn’t fit in anywhere. I had few friends, and the older I got, the fewer friends I had. The kids, I know now, didn’t know what to make of me. I made no sense to them. I couldn’t sit still, always sitting on one leg or the other, or up on my knees in my chair, or jumping out of my chair. I couldn’t shut my mouth. Guess some things never change. ;-) I wouldn’t act in ways that were socially acceptable, and didn’t seem to even see the world around me. People thought I was a trouble maker, a liar, unmotivated. Really, I wasn’t any of those things, I just couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t figure out how to keep my brain from running ahead and doing what it thought to do before it stopped and thought about it. I was clumsy and awkward because the part of my brain that ran my motor skills worked so much faster than the part of my brain that coordinated my path around the hazards in my way. Throw in teenage hormones, and man, my world came unglued. By my teen years, I was more out of control than ever. The screaming, the intensity of my anger, even I at the time knew it wasn’t right, but no one really understood why, or how to control it.

   My dad, he tried. But he was as confused as I, and now that I’m older I think maybe he had the same difficulties as I, and didn’t know what to do with his own mind either. As I got further out of hand, his frustration rose, and the house would become a war zone. My mom, I don’t think she knew what to do. My dad and I would explode so angrily that she probably would have been in more danger for her own life if she had stepped in at the wrong time. Okay, maybe not so badly, but you get the idea. I got to a point where I would overturn furniture, punch and kick holes in walls, scream on the top of my lungs for hours on end, and generally very much lash out. And I had no idea why. All I knew was I couldn’t stop.

   Eventually, with nearly straight “F”s on my report card, I was kicked out of high school. The teachers all said the same things, from grade school on. “She’s got a heart of gold, she just can’t sit still. She’s so very smart, but doesn’t live up to her potential. If she just worked harder… If she could just sit still… If she could… If she could…” But I couldn’t. And I had no idea why.

   As an adult, I joined the Navy. This was good, mostly because it gave me a place to get the paycheck that adults need, and some stability that, as I look back, I needed for so many years to finally get a better look at myself. People say that folks with ADD do well in the military because of the heavy structured environment. That’s BS. We do well in the military because we can just slide by. And for 14 years, I just slid by. I tried, and I tried, but in reality, despite my multiple best efforts, I just slid by. I made many mistakes. Got into tight jams. Put myself in debt. Made some very impulsive and stupid decisions. And I only then started to very slowly understand why. As I neared 30, I really became okay with who I am, and finally settled a little into trying to make me better. At 32, I left the military. Suddenly, I’m left without my crutch, and am getting a crash course in how to cope with real life.

   I still struggle. I often find a bill I missed. This is especially noticeable now that I get medical bills. I didn’t have those before. My husband tasks me with trying to help with various appointments that need to be made, and issues that need to be resolved, and I can’t seem to keep my head straight. I’m a full time student now, and find myself still procrastinating. Often I’ll have a big report that I have had several weeks on, and don’t even start until the night before it’s due. Then I’m up all night in a hurried rush to fix it. Apparently I don’t work well unless the pressure is really on, something I had noticed in the military too. I don’t handle stress well at all, but I do require a large amount of it to get a job well done. I have trouble reading text. I read fine, but get into text, and I’m in trouble. Even stuff I’m interested in, I can’t always put the sentences together to and understandable level to my brain. I don’t understand some things that are very basic to most other adults, but I can so an enormous amount of understanding to things that many other adults don’t get. I miss appointments over and over and over. I shop impulsively and by the time I get home, I realize I may have gone for milk and bread, but by the time I get home I have a car full of stuff and have spent $400. And so, here I am.

   Flash forward to, well, now. Now I’m a mother to three beautiful children. My eldest has ADHD. Okay, I haven’t had him tested and diagnosed, but it’s pretty obvious. He’s just like me. He has a heart of gold. He’s very intuitive to the feelings of people around him. He often cares more about others than himself and is willing to go through great sacrifice to make the people around him feel better. He’s brilliantly smart, but he gets so frustrated that his frustration gets in his way. But when you watch him, no matter how hard he tries, he physically can not slow down. He’ll think he is, but he’s actually bouncing off the walls. If you watch, you can see him try so hard to sit still, but his body defeats his efforts, and his frustration grows. He acts completely on impulse, and often doesn’t even realize it. His brain works to fast for his clumsy little body. His teachers all say the same things mine did. He tests our patience nearly every minute of every day. As I write this, he’s supposed to be sitting still at the table eating his dinner, but he’s walking circles around the table. I remind him he needs to be seated, and he does. He takes a few bites, and without thinking, he gets up and wanders around the dining room again. It even has to be pointed out to him that he’s doing it. He really doesn’t realize he’s doing anything until you show him.

   I see him at six, I remember me at seven, and I worry that we too will lose him at seven. I wonder if that’s when his world will seem to crumble, and when I won’t be able to help. So I’m beginning my battle with myself, with the school district, with the doctors, with the world, and with Eldest Son. I’m doing my best to battle by his side, not on the opposite side of the war. The one thing I do know, I can’t help him if I can’t help me. I can’t understand how to conquer ADD, until I learn to conquer my own.

   I’m at the library weekly, bringing home pile after pile of books. I’m on the phone with Tri-care to find out where our coverage can help us. I’m constantly on the doorstep of his school looking for every bit of help I can. I’m knocking on doors and picking brains. I’m only starting this mess, but I’m going to win. I can’t afford to fail, because if I do, I fail my son.

Nummies!

2010-08-31T15:03:00.000-07:00

   To start, I will say, knowing me, some days I'll have post after post, and some days-weeks-months... okay, probably just days, I'll have nothing. It's what I do. Part of why I am doing this is to help me remember important events, part is so I can learn from myself, part so others can learn from me, and part just for the novelty. It also helps when I get those long winded things that I don't want to blow up my FacieBook with. ;-)

   This blog is totally public, so I will not be posting pictures of my kids, family, or friends on here. I will also not be using full names. And if I slip and miss one, let me know so I can edit it out ASAP please.

   Okay, so off to the good stuff. Have you ever bought stuff that came with extras that you don't know what to do with but seems a shame to waste? Go ahead, say it with me, "What the Hell are you talking about Becky?" Okay, well, I get big bags of potstickers at Costco. In the bag are these nifty packets of sauce. The stuff isn't bad, but having spent time in Japan, there is a particular dipping sauce I like to make myself, so I don't wind up using the packaged stuff. Being the packrat that I am, though, I wind up with it piled up in my freezer.

   Well, I'm pretty well known for just going through my kitchen and throwing together stuff and making something tasty. I match flavors in the same way some people, like my Mother who makes incredible quilts, match colors. Last night was one of those nights.

   We are huge on salmon in my family. I determined we'd have salmon for dinner last night, but didn't know what I felt like topping it with this time. So, as usual, I started digging. There, in the freezer, staring at me with that "I double dog dare you." sneer was this packet of premade potsticker dipping sauce. I said to myself, "Self," because some comedian somewhere told me that's what you say when you are talking to yourself, "Self, " I said, "you can do this. Salmon and Asian flavors mix. This ugly, mean, snide little package is begging to be used and quit uglying up my freezer." And so, I took on the challenge.

   So, out of the freezer came the rude and insulting little package, and then it was off to the fridge. Navigating through my refrigerator is like trying to get through WalMart on Black Friday. Good luck. I find these amazing sauces at various farms, festivals and events, and I use them for crazy things they may or may not have been meant for. They add up very quickly. Then there is the abundance of produce, half of which winds up going bad because I get inspired, and then forget they are there. Two gallons of milk at any given time, because the babies drink one kind and Eldest Son another. Costco sized bottles of juice. Leftovers in various packages. There's always some other stuff playing hide and seek in there, and I'm afraid often I fail miserably in finding them in time. On days like this, I start with one ingredient, and then hit the random "stations" in my kitchen and figure what else in there is going to make something so offending into something so tasty. When I open the fridge, everything stares back at me and laughs. "Sure, there are goodies in here," it seems to say, "but good luck getting to it."

   I rolled up my sleeves and laugh right back. "No worries" I said, "Everything I want is right up front". Out came the garlic, ginger, and low sodium soy sauce. I could almost feel the frustration from the fridge as the other things sighed. "Damn. Why didn't we think to hide those guys? She always goes for the garlic! DUH!"

   Then it's out to the spice rack. That thing is every bit as much as cluttered as the fridge, but it plays much nicer. It's a nice pull out three shelf hideaway rack. When I open it, the smells jump out and say, "Hi there! Oh we missed you! Let us give you hugs." Ahhhh. They all sit patiently in their shelves with their labeled tops, crossing their... grains I guess, hoping I might find some use for them. I picked through to see what might just work. "Not many of you guys this time. Sorry guys. Toasted Sesame Oil, come on out here. Hot Pepper Oil, front and center. The rest of you, better luck tomorrow."

   Last, but not least, it's to the Lazy Susan. The ingredients in here, they don't even pay me attention. They just sleep and couldn't care less what I say or do. I'll pull them out for use, they open an eye, portion out what I need, and then roll over and go back to sleep. I selected some ginger syrup, who yawned and grumbled a little, and I closed the cupboard to let the others continue slumber.

   In the bowl went the contents of that snippy little packet, some garlic, chopped ginger, soy, and ginger syrup. I noticed this looked too runny to stick to a fish though, so I tried to microwave it, hoping that it'd thicken with heat. It just laughed at my failure as I pulled it back out of the microwave, boiling, and still thin. But I refused to fail. The lazy ingredients in the lazy Susan objected to my disturbing them again, but I needed the corn starch. I stirred the cornstarch into the sauce and heated it again. Finally, I accomplished the right consistency. For flavor I added the sesame and hot chili oil, and some fresh ground pepper, and it was finally done.

   On to the fish it went, and it was off to the grill. I have to tell you, that stupid little mouthy packet of sauce... makes an awesome sauce! What a beautiful little sauce, using stuff that I already have, making a restaurant quality slab o' fish that the whole family loved.

   To me, there is no pride like knowing I am serving to my family something we'd pay $18-23 bucks in a restaurant for, and I made it at home, with stuff I already had, and they all love it.

Testing, Testing, One Two Three.

2010-08-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

I find myself at a huge turning point in my life. In October of 2009 I ended my 14 year career as an Aviation Electrician in the Navy, and am now working on adjusting to civilian life. I have a hyper six year old boy and twin 16 month old twins; one boy and one girl. We're building life in a tiny little house in the beautiful Pacific North West. So, faced with a drastic career change, I chose to go the direction of Medical Assistant, so now I'm a full time student. I'm still not sure I'll be doing that when I grow up...

   Three times in my life, I have been diagnosed as ADHD. I believe I have outgrown a lot of the hyperactivity, but the ADD still runs my life for me. I just started a journey of learning to handle this condition. I find it sad that the phraze ADD has been so over used, because those of us that need help and understanding have trouble finding it. My eldest son, however, is definately ADHD, and I have determined that I can't help him if I can't help myself.

   Sometime in the future, the dream I have is to build my own local small business based around the many local businesses this area is rich in. Not quite the direction I'm going to school for, but hopefully someday....

   I have many hobbies, and many things I pick up as hobbies and, thank you ADD, drop again quickly but learn so much from. As I start this, I carry a lifelong passion of cooking, and have picked up gardening. I also enjoy hiking, biking, and recently geocaching. Somewhere in there we also throw in beer and wine making. Mostly beer.

   So, with this blog, I hereby invite the world in to learn with me, and listen to my random BS because I'm an opinionated little twit. Join me on my adventure of learning who I am, learning who my family is, learning who my friends are, and learning what this world is all about. Laughs are very likely, many at my expense. But you might just learn something new...